I intentionally say that I journey with depression. Not out of depression or from depression…my journey is indeed with.
Looking back, I was definitely depressed from about 16-19 yrs old (possibly before) … but it could have just been normal teenage stuff…,
from 20-21….but I was having trouble with a boyfriend and was going through counselling for some stuff, so it might not have really been depression…,
from ~25-26 yrs old….but there was some hard stuff happening at work, so it would be understandable for me to be feeling low and struggling a bit…..,
from around 28-31 – on and off …but I was really having a hard time with some work challenges during that time….there was a lot of stress….and I was starting to think a job change was in order….
from 33-35 yrs old – but that was prenatal and post-partum depression (did you know that most with post-partum depression actually show symptoms pre-natally?)…,
from about 38-39 yrs old – but my husband had lost his job and we started a business and I was contemplating a job change, so it was just “life stuff” – it wasn’t anything thousands of others haven’t dealt with….after all, I’m a Christian…a ministry leader… I have a great marriage and so much to be thankful for….
So why then does it seem like others’ “lows” aren’t as low as mine? Is it because I’m more dramatic? Maybe. Is it because I’m looking for attention? Nope – if anything I tried to hide it. Is it that I don’t eat right, pray right, live right, read right, sleep right, hormone right, exercise right? While these things can all effect depression – the answer still is no, it isn’t these things per se. And it took 2 counsellors, my family doctor, my naturopath, my husband, my pilates instructor/friend, my sister, some other amazing friends and a ton of reading for me to believe it.
While there is no way yet to diagnose exactly what the issue is for each person (e.g. neurotransmitter levels, limbic or endocrine systems, etc?), what is known is that when a person lives with depression, they can’t just will or behave themselves out of it. I wanted to be well. I tried to be well (admittedly, sometimes I tried harder than other times). I prayed more, slept more, hunkered down more, asked for more support ….and sometimes I got relief from the symptoms … and sometimes not.
At one point, when medication was part of my treatment plan, I saw a psychiatrist to get a proper diagnosis (and some advice on the medication) and the letter back said, “diagnosis: major depression – recurrent”. It was anti-climactic and yet absolutely comforting.
My naturopath said, “our goal with you is to get you to a place where, when the waves of life come, you’re able to keep your head above water without sinking too much in between.” That’s it. That’s mental health. That’s wellness. That’s resilience.
I wonder what might have happened if I had received better support sooner. I wonder how things would have gone if my employers and coworkers were better trained to spot someone who is not mentally well and were more empowered to respond. I wonder what would have happened if I wasn’t so ashamed of what I couldn’t seem to get control over.
Don’t be ashamed. Be vigilant in getting help and maintaining supports. Be gentle with yourself and look around – I guarantee you are not alone.
