I intentionally say that I journey with depression. Not out of depression or from depression…my journey is indeed with.

Looking back, I was definitely depressed from about 16-19 yrs old (possibly before) … but it could have just been normal teenage stuff…,
from 20-21….but I was having trouble with a boyfriend and was going through counselling for some stuff, so it might not have really been depression…,
from ~25-26 yrs old….but there was some hard stuff happening at work, so it would be understandable for me to be feeling low and struggling a bit…..,
from around 28-31 – on and off …but I was really having a hard time with some work challenges during that time….there was a lot of stress….and I was starting to think a job change was in order….
from 33-35 yrs old – but that was prenatal and post-partum depression (did you know that most with post-partum depression actually show symptoms pre-natally?)…,
from about 38-39 yrs old – but my husband had lost his job and we started a business and I was contemplating a job change, so it was just “life stuff” – it wasn’t anything thousands of others haven’t dealt with….after all, I’m a Christian…a ministry leader… I have a great marriage and so much to be thankful for….

So why then does it seem like others’ “lows” aren’t as low as mine?  Is it because I’m more dramatic?  Maybe.  Is it because I’m looking for attention?  Nope – if anything I tried to hide it.  Is it that I don’t eat right, pray right, live right, read right, sleep right, hormone right, exercise right?  While these things can all effect depression – the answer still is no, it isn’t these things per se.  And it took 2 counsellors, my family doctor, my naturopath, my husband, my pilates instructor/friend, my sister, some other amazing friends and a ton of reading for me to believe it.

While there is no way yet to diagnose exactly what the issue is for each person (e.g. neurotransmitter levels, limbic or endocrine systems, etc?), what is known is that when a person lives with depression, they can’t just will or behave themselves out of it.  I wanted to be well.  I tried to be well (admittedly, sometimes I tried harder than other times).  I prayed more, slept more, hunkered down more, asked for more support ….and sometimes I got relief from the symptoms … and sometimes not.

At one point, when medication was part of my treatment plan, I saw a psychiatrist to get a proper diagnosis (and some advice on the medication) and the letter back said, “diagnosis: major depression – recurrent”.  It was anti-climactic and yet absolutely comforting.

My naturopath said, “our goal with you is to get you to a place where, when the waves of life come, you’re able to keep your head above water without sinking too much in between.”  That’s it.  That’s mental health.  That’s wellness.  That’s resilience.

I wonder what might have happened if I had received better support sooner.  I wonder how things would have gone if my employers and coworkers were better trained to spot someone who is not mentally well and were more empowered to respond.  I wonder what would have happened if I wasn’t so ashamed of what I couldn’t seem to get control over.

Don’t be ashamed.  Be vigilant in getting help and maintaining supports.  Be gentle with yourself and look around – I guarantee you are not alone.

What are the key lessons of dream stewardship?

• Be careful what you say and to whom you say it: “walk before you talk, investigate before you initiate.”
• Check your ego at the door – too many leaders believe having a dream gives them the right to pursue it all costs.  As they pursue, they alienate others and cause organizational havoc.
• Practice both now and later – God expects your best effort now so you will be prepared for all that He plans to do in and through you later
• Trust God in the details

Generally, I think I tried to apply these principles to my work although I know there were times when I blew it.  I did not, however, include considerations for my family or for self-care in my analysis of how to steward dreams.

If I had, here are some things I would add:

• Be careful what you say and to whom you say it: “Walk before you talk, investigate before you initiate.”  Before rallying your team and moving too far forward with the investigation, consider the impact of this idea on your family.  Do they have the opportunity to tell you what they really think about your great ideas and dreams?  If they tell you they don’t think this “dream” is good for your family, will you listen?
  
• Check your ego at the door – too many leaders believe having a dream gives them the right to pursue it all costs.  As they pursue, they alienate others and cause organizational havoc.  What about alienating your family and friends and creating family havoc?  Measure the cost to your family carefully, knowing it is a fallacy if you think you can “make it up to them later”.  What about the costs to self care?  Will taking this on still allow time for you to go for that run or to that pilates class?  Are you fooling yourself into thinking you will be able to make it up to yourself later?
  
• Practice both now and later – God expects your best effort now so you will be prepared for all that He plans to do in and through you later.  This applies first to your relationship with God, secondly to your relationship with family, thirdly to ministry/ work.  Are your best efforts *now* in the right priority order?
  
• Trust God in the details.  God will honour your efforts in carefully ordering your priorities.  Just because you are inspired to see a dream come to fruition doesn’t mean this is the right time to see it through.  Be patient. 

Lastly, if you supervise others who dream big dreams:

• ask your staff how they are doing in balancing work and life.  Listen to their answers.
• when they come to you with a dream, help them to consider if this is the right time for them to pursue the dream by asking them about what time the dream might take away from their family or from their self-care.
• when a staff person says they need a rest, or more time with their family – do everything you can to help them make that happen, without delay.  In my case, by the time I said something to my supervisor – I was desperate (even though I tried not to show it).
• model what this looks like to your staff.  Say no to something for the sake of your health or your family.
• respect and advocate for your staff’s days off.  When they find a day off, do everything in your power to help them protect that time.  So, solve the problem, intercept the “quick call on their cell”, correct others who do not respect their team member’s time off.  This might be the most important thing you do for your staff.

What would you add?

- if I *can* work harder, then I must

- if I’m discouraged, the best thing to do is work harder

- if I stay late to do one more thing, my family will understand

- if I stay late I can always make it up to my family/ to myself

- working until I crash, then recouping on holidays – works for me

- keeping a Sabbath doesn’t really apply to ministry staff during busy ministry seasons

- I’m keeping a Sabbath as long as I don’t actually go in to work

- high- capacity leaders don’t talk about their limits

- the vision I have for this is so big, it will be worth it to put in so much extra time

…and more.

What are the faulty beliefs you have?  Do any of these sound familiar?  If so – do something about it, please.  Loving one another includes not letting each other get away with this kind of destructive thinking.

I’m curious about the quick nods.  Is it that:

- they saw it happening and knew, heard or guessed this was what happened to me, or

- they aren’t surprised because burnout is so common amongst people in ministry, or

- they identify with what I’m disclosing because they are headed there themselves??

I want better than a “quick nod” for my pastors and ministry leaders.

So for me, that means lovingly speaking with them when I know they aren’t keeping a Sabbath.  It means challenging my fellow church-goers around their expectations of staff and it means doing my part to support and encourage our leaders.

Most of all, it means continuing the hard work of achieving and maintaining health and wellness in my own life.   This means ensuring *I* am keeping a Sabbath, I am listening to feedback from others who might be raising a flag where they see my priorities getting out of whack, and watching vigilantly for signs that I am returning to some of my old ways of thinking and working.  It means listening to my husband who has said he doesn’t feel I’m ready yet to jump back into serving.  It means standing firm in front of people who don’t understand why I appear to be “just consuming”.  It means taking care of my physical and mental health and learning to be patient with God’s pace in healing me.  It means being willing to be honest about where I’m at – caring more about what God thinks of me, than man.

Looking back, the signs were everywhere.

I was so tired and couldn’t seem to get enough sleep.  I was gapping out and dropping balls (they call this “presenteeism“).  I was struggling with basic decision-making and couldn’t seem to figure out how to get my head above water.   Because I was feeling so ineffective in my work, I put in extra time.  Because I was afraid of dropping more balls, I put in extra time.  Because I was feeling so disappointed, so frustrated, so demotivated by some things gone awry, I did what had always worked before – I worked harder and longer.  I remember feeling desperate for some sign of progress.  Some indication that everything I was doing was making some kind of difference.

I prayed. I continued with daily-ish reading.  And I cried.  And I wondered if it was worth it. And I wondered what it would be like to leave. And I wondered if the church knew how hard I worked. And I wondered who the church even was…and I wondered where the church was and if the church would be there for me if they really knew what was going on in my head.

And then a friend, a co-worker (actually a few of them) said, “maybe you should take some time off- get a bit of rest.”  That sounded good to me even though I hate using vacation unless my family can get away somewhere (like – on a vacation).  So, I took a blank vacation request into my supervisor, slid it across the desk and said, “I’m tired.  I’m dropping balls.  I need a rest. Just tell me when I can have a rest…”.  He acknowledged my tiredness and then said that it wasn’t a good time (it wasn’t) and could I just hang on for about 6 weeks or so?  Then it would be a good time for me to take a couple weeks off.

What he didn’t know was that I had already been hanging on for months. What he didn’t know was how stretched I already was, how I had lost the ability to keep any kind of boundaries between work and home, how hurt I was by some who had said they loved me, how profoundly disappointed I was in some projects that I had invested a ton of energy into that didn’t go well. What he didn’t know was how my church had been completely lost for me in the thick of a job that was starting to eat away at my soul.

So, I hung on for about 4 weeks.   And that’s when it happened.  I got an email from a co-worker that, under normal circumstances, would have prompted a conversation where I would use some good “I-statements” and where I would say things like, “Help me understand….?”.  But as a friend later reminded me, when we’re under stress we “de-skill”.  Instead?  I sent an angry email from home at 11:30 at night and cc’ed it to a few others (I know better), then showed up at work the next morning even though it was my only day off in 7 days (remember – no boundaries left) where I met with my supervisor to explain what I had *meant* by the email and to apologize for sending it….only to burst into tears in his office mumbling something about being so tired and so discouraged.  I went home to try to pull myself together, but not before having to walk through a hallway full of people who were waiting for a meeting.  But that’s not all…..

Later that same day, I received a phone call from work asking for something I didn’t have and didn’t know I was supposed to have (one of my dropped balls or poor communication, I don’t know).   After working through what this person needed and articulating that I did not understand this was expected….I asked if this person knew that this was my day off.  In fact – if this person knew that this was my only day off in seven?  This person answered, “Yes.”

Yes.

And with that, I was done.  My breathing got shallow, my eyes started to burn, my throat closed shut and I couldn’t talk.  I started stuttering and stammering and finally just hung up the phone and walked across our living room to bang my fists against the wall.  I remember crumpling on the floor, full-on fetal position, rocking and crying and repeating over and over, “I can’t, I can’t, I can’t…..”.  The next thing I remember was my husband helping me down the hallway to bed where I cried myself to sleep.  Our HR person called later that afternoon to let me know they were going to take care of everything – I was off on leave.

I was off for a few weeks, returned for a few and then took some vacation.  I returned to work afterwards and found my way back into my role.  In HR terms, I had a “successful return to work” but, … I wasn’t the same anymore.  I am not the same anymore.

For the next while I will be writing about some of what contributed to all of this, some of my process while I was on leave, and what changed in me as I got some distance from the situation.   I still attend my church and love her deeply.  I am in good relationship with all who were connected to me during this painful period in my life.  I am writing about all of this because I know I am not the only one who knows what it feels like to have nothing left.  I am writing about this because I want my pain to be used for good and I am writing about this because I believe that some of what happened could have been prevented.

If you resonate with any of this, welcome here.

The media does this to grab our attention. We respond …. because …..?

I have been overwhelmed by the response to my last post and want to make sure my motives here are clear.   I am writing to:

- encourage

- break the silence

- challenge

- heal

- reflect & learn

I am not writing to:

- get attention

- self- promote

- slam anyone or anything

If that fits for you, then welcome here.

Afraid of what you might think if you knew.

Afraid of what you might say if I really talked to you.

Afraid that you might not understand.

But I’m not afraid now.  So here it is….

I burned out.  Badly. Spectacularly. I can tell you the date, the time, the circumstances and the details of the moment when I crashed.  I was at the end of my physical, emotional and spiritual reserves and it resulted in one of the most devastating and profound experiences of my life.

The reason I want to write about this is because I know I’m not alone and I think there might be someone who might get some encouragement in knowing they are not alone either. So, for the next while, I’m going to put some of this down – knowing my motives are pure and trusting that God will do with these words as He sees fit… Just as He continues to do with my heart.

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My muffins have tunnels in them…which means that I would lose marks for them if I was in home ec.   About 25 years ago (am I seriously old enough to say that???), Mrs. French and Mrs. Lyons were excellent teachers and ensured we knew that to get an A, our muffins should have an even consistency – free of tunnels or big bubbles in them.

So yesterday, my 5 yr old and I made muffins together and had an awesome time!  He’s getting so good at cracking the eggs, dumping the measured ingredients in and mixing the batter.  We set the timer when they were in the oven and then played a game of checkers followed by a game of Star Wars Trouble.  And when we bit into our still-warm homemade apple oatmeal muffins ….I looked to see if there were tunnels!

I don’t want to look for tunnels anymore.  I don’t want for every task I complete (or don’t complete) to be tainted with thoughts of how I’m measuring up.

Today I will celebrate what is…instead of what isn’t.  Care to join me?

Looking back, I think I’ve had different kinds of motives in completing them.  Sometimes, I was truly looking for guidance about how to become a better person…other times, I’ve been looking for affirmation that I’m actually okay just the way I am. Sometimes I’ve been looking for ways to work with others better…and other times, I’ve been desperate to find a way that would help me to be heard better.

Of all the tests and assessments I’ve done though, I’ve come to see that while not all are created equal, there is something to be potentially gained if I’m looking in the right direction and with the right motives.

Regardless of what I’m good at, gifted in, strong in or called to….it will all fall short if my motives aren’t pure or if I don’t understand…believe…that God is who He says he is and that I am who He says I am….His child, His beloved.

We did an exercise that involved us identifying goals and visioning for our lives.  As I was asking God which magazine pictures to cut out and paste on my poster board, I noticed a couple of things.  Firstly, I heard the word “achieve” from a member of the group and I involuntarily groaned.  Secondly, almost everything that made it on to my board had to do with “being”…rather than “doing”.

In the past, when I’ve done goal-setting or life-purpose planning work, there has been strong emphasis on what I would like to do …or accomplish…or achieve.  And guess where my heart was? And my identity?

I still have goals (I think I’m hard-wired for strategic thinking and purpose-planning!), but they no longer form my identity…at least to the extent they once did.  I truly am more concerned with who I am rather than what I am doing.

So, I’m celebrating the opportunity to process in a new way what God’s purposes for my life are (thanks, Mel & Crystal!).  And, I’m thankful especially for the realization that God is doing work in me!  My achievement orientation is finally shifting!

How are you doing at “being” versus “doing”?  What (or who) is your identity rooted in?