Category Archives: Character

Dream stewardship

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I was reading this morning about “dream stewardship” and couldn’t help but see it through the lens of my recovery from burnout and my journey with depression.  Here’s what I read:

What are the key lessons of dream stewardship?

  • Be careful what you say and to whom you say it: “walk before you talk, investigate before you initiate.”
  • Check your ego at the door – too many leaders believe having a dream gives them the right to pursue it all costs.  As they pursue, they alienate others and cause organizational havoc.
  • Practice both now and later – God expects your best effort now so you will be prepared for all that He plans to do in and through you later
  • Trust God in the details

Generally, I think I tried to apply these principles to my work although I know there were times when I blew it.  I did not, however, include considerations for my family or for self-care in my analysis of how to steward dreams.

If I had, here are some things I would add:

  • Be careful what you say and to whom you say it: “Walk before you talk, investigate before you initiate.”  Before rallying your team and moving too far forward with the investigation, consider the impact of this idea on your family.  Do they have the opportunity to tell you what they really think about your great ideas and dreams?  If they tell you they don’t think this “dream” is good for your family, will you listen?
  • Check your ego at the door – too many leaders believe having a dream gives them the right to pursue it all costs.  As they pursue, they alienate others and cause organizational havoc.  What about alienating your family and friends and creating family havoc?  Measure the cost to your family carefully, knowing it is a fallacy if you think you can “make it up to them later”.  What about the costs to self care?  Will taking this on still allow time for you to go for that run or to that pilates class?  Are you fooling yourself into thinking you will be able to make it up to yourself later?
  • Practice both now and later – God expects your best effort now so you will be prepared for all that He plans to do in and through you later.  This applies first to your relationship with God, secondly to your relationship with family, thirdly to ministry/ work.  Are your best efforts *now* in the right priority order?
  • Trust God in the details.  God will honour your efforts in carefully ordering your priorities.  Just because you are inspired to see a dream come to fruition doesn’t mean this is the right time to see it through.  Be patient. 

Lastly, if you supervise others who dream big dreams:

  • ask your staff how they are doing in balancing work and life.  Listen to their answers.
  • when they come to you with a dream, help them to consider if this is the right time for them to pursue the dream by asking them about what time the dream might take away from their family or from their self-care.
  • when a staff person says they need a rest, or more time with their family – do everything you can to help them make that happen, without delay.  In my case, by the time I said something to my supervisor – I was desperate (even though I tried not to show it).
  • model what this looks like to your staff.  Say no to something for the sake of your health or your family.
  • respect and advocate for your staff’s days off.  When they find a day off, do everything in your power to help them protect that time.  So, solve the problem, intercept the “quick call on their cell”, correct others who do not respect their team member’s time off.  This might be the most important thing you do for your staff.

What would you add?

What bleeds leads – pt 2

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If you have not read my previous two posts – here it is in a nutshell.  I burned out while in full-time ministry and recently, I felt compelled to write about it.  My “crash” didn’t happen in a vacuum.  There were a number of things and circumstances that contributed to what happened – many of which were completely out of anyone’s control.  My intention in writing about my experiences is to help.  I know that I am not the only ministry leader to have experienced this and I know I am not the last.  It is my hope that by honestly sharing my experiences, perhaps there could be some pain spared and healing achieved.  So, here goes…

Looking back, the signs were everywhere.

I was so tired and couldn’t seem to get enough sleep.  I was gapping out and dropping balls (they call this “presenteeism“).  I was struggling with basic decision-making and couldn’t seem to figure out how to get my head above water.   Because I was feeling so ineffective in my work, I put in extra time.  Because I was afraid of dropping more balls, I put in extra time.  Because I was feeling so disappointed, so frustrated, so demotivated by some things gone awry, I did what had always worked before – I worked harder and longer.  I remember feeling desperate for some sign of progress.  Some indication that everything I was doing was making some kind of difference.

I prayed. I continued with daily-ish reading.  And I cried.  And I wondered if it was worth it. And I wondered what it would be like to leave. And I wondered if the church knew how hard I worked. And I wondered who the church even was…and I wondered where the church was and if the church would be there for me if they really knew what was going on in my head.

And then a friend, a co-worker (actually a few of them) said, “maybe you should take some time off- get a bit of rest.”  That sounded good to me even though I hate using vacation unless my family can get away somewhere (like – on a vacation).  So, I took a blank vacation request into my supervisor, slid it across the desk and said, “I’m tired.  I’m dropping balls.  I need a rest. Just tell me when I can have a rest…”.  He acknowledged my tiredness and then said that it wasn’t a good time (it wasn’t) and could I just hang on for about 6 weeks or so?  Then it would be a good time for me to take a couple weeks off.

What he didn’t know was that I had already been hanging on for months. What he didn’t know was how stretched I already was, how I had lost the ability to keep any kind of boundaries between work and home, how hurt I was by some who had said they loved me, how profoundly disappointed I was in some projects that I had invested a ton of energy into that didn’t go well. What he didn’t know was how my church had been completely lost for me in the thick of a job that was starting to eat away at my soul.

So, I hung on for about 4 weeks.   And that’s when it happened.  I got an email from a co-worker that, under normal circumstances, would have prompted a conversation where I would use some good “I-statements” and where I would say things like, “Help me understand….?”.  But as a friend later reminded me, when we’re under stress we “de-skill”.  Instead?  I sent an angry email from home at 11:30 at night and cc’ed it to a few others (I know better), then showed up at work the next morning even though it was my only day off in 7 days (remember – no boundaries left) where I met with my supervisor to explain what I had *meant* by the email and to apologize for sending it….only to burst into tears in his office mumbling something about being so tired and so discouraged.  I went home to try to pull myself together, but not before having to walk through a hallway full of people who were waiting for a meeting.  But that’s not all…..

Later that same day, I received a phone call from work asking for something I didn’t have and didn’t know I was supposed to have (one of my dropped balls or poor communication, I don’t know).   After working through what this person needed and articulating that I did not understand this was expected….I asked if this person knew that this was my day off.  In fact – if this person knew that this was my only day off in seven?  This person answered, “Yes.”

Yes.

And with that, I was done.  My breathing got shallow, my eyes started to burn, my throat closed shut and I couldn’t talk.  I started stuttering and stammering and finally just hung up the phone and walked across our living room to bang my fists against the wall.  I remember crumpling on the floor, full-on fetal position, rocking and crying and repeating over and over, “I can’t, I can’t, I can’t…..”.  The next thing I remember was my husband helping me down the hallway to bed where I cried myself to sleep.  Our HR person called later that afternoon to let me know they were going to take care of everything – I was off on leave.

I was off for a few weeks, returned for a few and then took some vacation.  I returned to work afterwards and found my way back into my role.  In HR terms, I had a “successful return to work” but, … I wasn’t the same anymore.  I am not the same anymore.

For the next while I will be writing about some of what contributed to all of this, some of my process while I was on leave, and what changed in me as I got some distance from the situation.   I still attend my church and love her deeply.  I am in good relationship with all who were connected to me during this painful period in my life.  I am writing about all of this because I know I am not the only one who knows what it feels like to have nothing left.  I am writing about this because I want my pain to be used for good and I am writing about this because I believe that some of what happened could have been prevented.

If you resonate with any of this, welcome here.

What bleeds leads – pt 1

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This phrase normally refers to the unfortunate and pervasive truth that the more shocking or dramatic a story is, the more likely it is to make it to the front page of a newspaper. Even the best intentioned of us can find ourselves sucked into a juicy headline or a shocking picture wanting to know the details of what happened.

The media does this to grab our attention. We respond …. because …..?

I have been overwhelmed by the response to my last post and want to make sure my motives here are clear.   I am writing to:

- encourage

- break the silence

- challenge

- heal

- reflect & learn

I am not writing to:

- get attention

- self- promote

- slam anyone or anything

If that fits for you, then welcome here.

Identity Shift in Progress

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I had the privilege of being a participant at a 2-part retreat called “Body of Purpose” put on by two amazing women (Mel and Crystal - please click on their names…I’d love you to meet them!).  One of the best parts was being a part of them fulfilling their purposes, as they helped to equip me for fulfilling my purposes.  But this post isn’t about that per se….

We did an exercise that involved us identifying goals and visioning for our lives.  As I was asking God which magazine pictures to cut out and paste on my poster board, I noticed a couple of things.  Firstly, I heard the word “achieve” from a member of the group and I involuntarily groaned.  Secondly, almost everything that made it on to my board had to do with “being”…rather than “doing”.

In the past, when I’ve done goal-setting or life-purpose planning work, there has been strong emphasis on what I would like to do …or accomplish…or achieve.  And guess where my heart was? And my identity?

I still have goals (I think I’m hard-wired for strategic thinking and purpose-planning!), but they no longer form my identity…at least to the extent they once did.  I truly am more concerned with who I am rather than what I am doing.

So, I’m celebrating the opportunity to process in a new way what God’s purposes for my life are (thanks, Mel & Crystal!).  And, I’m thankful especially for the realization that God is doing work in me!  My achievement orientation is finally shifting!

How are you doing at “being” versus “doing”?  What (or who) is your identity rooted in?

“Defining Moments” defined?

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No doubt about it – I had a defining moment on the weekend.  I preached at our church.  I have preached, taught and been a speaker before…but this time was different.  I was the first woman to preach at our church and I have been terrified of our stage at our church.  Terrified because of its size (the auditorium seats 2100) and all that comes with that (lots of lights, cameras, and tech)….but mostly I have been terrified because of what I think “being there” says.  I struggle with feeling worthy and feeling qualified.  I struggle with general stage fright and with the fact that increased visibility = increased vulnerability and increased scrutiny.  All of this is hooked into the fact that there are some days I can barely manage the critic in my own mind, let alone critics outside of me.  My name is Candace and I am a recovering perfectionist/approval and achievement addict.

So, this weekend was a defining moment for sure…..but I’ve been struggling with identifying what was defined?  When we recognize something as major in our lives, how do we then go about assessing what they mean? 

I’m reminded (again) of Luke 2:19, “But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart.”  Mary knew she had been a part of something major, and wisely (quietly) observed, treasured up and pondered what had happened in her heart. 

Perhaps our part is to “treasure up” and we need to wait patiently on God to reveal meaning.  If I think back, the biggest “defining moments” in my life have been identified in retrospect.

Is my identity different for doing this?  Not if my identity is in Christ.  God, I will put a flag in the ground, a marker on the path, and look forward to the day when you show me what this stake is for.  In the meantime, today, I am grateful for breath, life, and the opportunity to do something for my King that he asked me to do.

Visiting the Relational Graveyard

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I, like most grown women, was deeply hurt by a girl I called “friend” in high school. Recently, I felt prompted to contact her and check in. And her response? Hurtful. I was never given any reason for her betrayal or her malice. I remain perplexed about what happened and actually thought, after all these years, that she might “come clean” about what she did and said, or at least give a reason for her behaviour. She did not.

So, now what? When I opened this particular door, I honestly didn’t feel that much angst about it – it was pure curiosity. But now, I find myself right back in 20 year old pain. And for what? She lives in another country…I have no interest in having her in my life again. My current life is rich with friends and family and, normally a sense of self-worth that wouldn’t be tripped up by such a thing. And yet here I am.

How easy it is, to get caught up in old “stuff” that has nothing to do with our present or our future? I am reminded of words from a friend and mentor who told me that sometimes it’s important to go visit the graves in your “relational graveyard”. Honour what was, grieve what wasn’t, put some “flowers” there if you need to – say a prayer – sing a hymn….and then leave. Get back in your car and resume life with the living.

Signing off….keys in hand.

Weeding

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I can’t believe how long it took to weed this one part of my flower beds!  Okay – I had left it too long and allowed a bunch to take root (so it is my own fault!), but these weeds were nasty!  I know this isn’t an original thought, but it’s fresh and meaningful for me today…

What have I allowed to take root in my life that threatens to choke out what is beautiful?