Author Archives: Candace

Been there, done that ….or have I?

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I’ve always loved self-awareness quizzes and assessments.  It doesn’t matter if they’re in a waiting room magazine or much more sophisticated, reliable (expensive types).  I shudder to think about how much time and money I’ve spent on these over the years.

Looking back, I think I’ve had different kinds of motives in completing them.  Sometimes, I was truly looking for guidance about how to become a better person…other times, I’ve been looking for affirmation that I’m actually okay just the way I am. Sometimes I’ve been looking for ways to work with others better…and other times, I’ve been desperate to find a way that would help me to be heard better.

Of all the tests and assessments I’ve done though, I’ve come to see that while not all are created equal, there is something to be potentially gained if I’m looking in the right direction and with the right motives.

Regardless of what I’m good at, gifted in, strong in or called to….it will all fall short if my motives aren’t pure or if I don’t understand…believe…that God is who He says he is and that I am who He says I am….His child, His beloved.

Identity Shift in Progress

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I had the privilege of being a participant at a 2-part retreat called “Body of Purpose” put on by two amazing women (Mel and Crystal - please click on their names…I’d love you to meet them!).  One of the best parts was being a part of them fulfilling their purposes, as they helped to equip me for fulfilling my purposes.  But this post isn’t about that per se….

We did an exercise that involved us identifying goals and visioning for our lives.  As I was asking God which magazine pictures to cut out and paste on my poster board, I noticed a couple of things.  Firstly, I heard the word “achieve” from a member of the group and I involuntarily groaned.  Secondly, almost everything that made it on to my board had to do with “being”…rather than “doing”.

In the past, when I’ve done goal-setting or life-purpose planning work, there has been strong emphasis on what I would like to do …or accomplish…or achieve.  And guess where my heart was? And my identity?

I still have goals (I think I’m hard-wired for strategic thinking and purpose-planning!), but they no longer form my identity…at least to the extent they once did.  I truly am more concerned with who I am rather than what I am doing.

So, I’m celebrating the opportunity to process in a new way what God’s purposes for my life are (thanks, Mel & Crystal!).  And, I’m thankful especially for the realization that God is doing work in me!  My achievement orientation is finally shifting!

How are you doing at “being” versus “doing”?  What (or who) is your identity rooted in?

“Defining Moments” defined?

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No doubt about it – I had a defining moment on the weekend.  I preached at our church.  I have preached, taught and been a speaker before…but this time was different.  I was the first woman to preach at our church and I have been terrified of our stage at our church.  Terrified because of its size (the auditorium seats 2100) and all that comes with that (lots of lights, cameras, and tech)….but mostly I have been terrified because of what I think “being there” says.  I struggle with feeling worthy and feeling qualified.  I struggle with general stage fright and with the fact that increased visibility = increased vulnerability and increased scrutiny.  All of this is hooked into the fact that there are some days I can barely manage the critic in my own mind, let alone critics outside of me.  My name is Candace and I am a recovering perfectionist/approval and achievement addict.

So, this weekend was a defining moment for sure…..but I’ve been struggling with identifying what was defined?  When we recognize something as major in our lives, how do we then go about assessing what they mean? 

I’m reminded (again) of Luke 2:19, “But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart.”  Mary knew she had been a part of something major, and wisely (quietly) observed, treasured up and pondered what had happened in her heart. 

Perhaps our part is to “treasure up” and we need to wait patiently on God to reveal meaning.  If I think back, the biggest “defining moments” in my life have been identified in retrospect.

Is my identity different for doing this?  Not if my identity is in Christ.  God, I will put a flag in the ground, a marker on the path, and look forward to the day when you show me what this stake is for.  In the meantime, today, I am grateful for breath, life, and the opportunity to do something for my King that he asked me to do.

Visiting the Relational Graveyard

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I, like most grown women, was deeply hurt by a girl I called “friend” in high school. Recently, I felt prompted to contact her and check in. And her response? Hurtful. I was never given any reason for her betrayal or her malice. I remain perplexed about what happened and actually thought, after all these years, that she might “come clean” about what she did and said, or at least give a reason for her behaviour. She did not.

So, now what? When I opened this particular door, I honestly didn’t feel that much angst about it – it was pure curiosity. But now, I find myself right back in 20 year old pain. And for what? She lives in another country…I have no interest in having her in my life again. My current life is rich with friends and family and, normally a sense of self-worth that wouldn’t be tripped up by such a thing. And yet here I am.

How easy it is, to get caught up in old “stuff” that has nothing to do with our present or our future? I am reminded of words from a friend and mentor who told me that sometimes it’s important to go visit the graves in your “relational graveyard”. Honour what was, grieve what wasn’t, put some “flowers” there if you need to – say a prayer – sing a hymn….and then leave. Get back in your car and resume life with the living.

Signing off….keys in hand.

Interview with William Paul Young

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Last night I interviewed William Paul Young, author of the bestselling book The Shack in front of our book club.  It was a ticketed event (we were afraid we would run out of space and coffee if we didn’t). Sure enough, we sold out and there was a waitlist. 

He initially wrote this book for his children and now it’s #1 on the NY Times bestseller list, USA Today did a cover story on him, the book got a mention by Jay Leno on The Tonight Show and he’s going to be interviewed on The Today Show in July.

One piece of work has changed his life….and God is using it to change millions of lives.  Of course, with this many people reading it, it also has a camp of critics.  But people’s views of God are being challenged and changed as a result of one man’s work. 

We have no idea what God might choose to use or when that might happen.  It is ours to do what He calls us to do and trust Him with the results.

Purpose of Prayer

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The purpose of prayer is communion with God, not “to get answers from God”.  God always answers, but we must not go to Him with the sole purpose of getting what we want or think we need.  It is through relationship with Him that we will know His heart better.

Friend or Friendly?

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When I worked in the field of supporting people with disabilities, one of the consultants we worked with was adamant that we could not be “friends” with the people we supported….but we could be “friendly”.  The fact that we were paid to be in their lives meant that we could not be real friends.  She, of course, was also speaking to generally-accepted concerns about blurring personal and professional boundaries, but her “lines” or definitions didn’t account for the presence and encouragement of Christian love.  So, in that context – we could love (and, in fact, did!) in heart and in action….but we couldn’t be friends???

This same confusion happens in the church – especially for church leaders.  As Christians we are commanded to love, and in our positions we are aware that our effectiveness in loving the people we lead is of paramount importance.  Love is expected and accepted.  Friendship, however, is a little more elusive.  I find it interesting that in the secular world, “friendship” requires less than “love” between two people…but in the church, it is reversed.  “Love” is available to anyone, but “friendship” is reserved for those in more intimate relationships. 

In thinking about many women in my life, it is easy for me to say, “I love her!”, but more difficult to say, “she is my friend!”.  So, I’m asking myself these days, who do I consider “friend”? 

Just a heads up…I’ve been thinking about this “friend” stuff pretty constantly over the last week.  I intend to post about it until God’s done showing me whatever it is about this He wants me to see.

Holy Disturbance

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A friend from church sent an email on Monday asking about “friendship and leadership in ministry”.  I read through her questions and found myself feeling frustrated at not having a clear answer to almost any of them.  The next night at a ministry meeting, a different friend made a comment linking “Christian maturity” and “comfort with intimacy in friendship”.  My reaction (internally and externally) to this connection surprised me.  The pounding in my head, heart and gut told me I was triggering about something…but I didn’t know specifically about what – until I went to God.

Another friend emailed after I apologized for my “external” reactions at the ministry meeting – and lovingly gave my angst a name: “a holy disturbance”.  She also reminded me that it’s these kinds of moments God can move in and do new healing in us, if we take the opportunity. 

Weeding

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I can’t believe how long it took to weed this one part of my flower beds!  Okay – I had left it too long and allowed a bunch to take root (so it is my own fault!), but these weeds were nasty!  I know this isn’t an original thought, but it’s fresh and meaningful for me today…

What have I allowed to take root in my life that threatens to choke out what is beautiful?